Being good, stickers & rewards
Freyja's school, like most others, uses stickers and certificates to reward good behaviour and good work. At the beginning of this term Freyja was very pleased to tell me that they still get stars in Year 1 - if they get 10 stars then they get a prize.
Freyja is one of those naturally well behaved children. She gets terribly upset if she is told that something she has done was unkind or naughty. The worst she does is sulk (and she really can sulk...) if she wants something her own way. And she is a bit of a tell-tale. But I never worry about going anywhere or doing anything with her. And before you think I'm being awfully smug here, I am well aware that this is less to do with my parenting skills and more to do with her natural disposition - my second child regularly reduces me to the point of tears with his rebellious and challenging behaviour and I am frequently at a loss as to how to handle him. And anyway, Freyja will probably be a frightful teenager.
On Friday after school Freyja told me that they did their stars. And then she said that she didn't understand why she didn't get one when she was always good. To be honest I didn't really know what to say. I know that she will have been very good all week. I tried to explain that not everyone gets stars all the time but she was confused that a number of children who are always talking on the mat were given stickers for not talking that day - when she never, ever talks when she is sitting on the mat.
Of course I know that stickers are used to encourage good behaviour and if there is a child whose normal behaviour is to be good then they don't really need a sticker and in fact have to do something over and above their normal good behaviour to get a reward. I understand this but I wasn't really sure how to explain it to a 5 year old. She just sees that she is always good but she never gets rewarded for it.
Having recently read Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn I am unsure now where I stand on the whole reward/punishment school of parenting. I found it very interesting and found that alot of the research, theories and ideas he was putting forward made sense. But quite how you get away from rewards and punishments out in the real world I'm not so sure and I still find myself praising and punishing when parenting my children.
We don't generally do much of the whole stickers thing at home. I tend just to just verbally praise good deeds and behaviour and tell them off for anything not so good, explaining that if X keeps happening then the result will be Y (though this is backfiring on me now as Theo has started using the same technique on me...) I am conscious about using rewards such as stickers or a new toy to encourage better behaviour from Theo because I don't want Freyja to see that indirectly Theo's uncooperative behaviour will get him something. I just don't think that's fair to her.
My concern is that, like with the stars at school, Freyja ends up feeling overlooked because she is well behaved and Theo, one way or another, gets all the attention, so this is something I am always trying to balance.
Luckily today Freyja came home from school and told me that all the children who had behaved well that day got a star - so she at least is happy again.
Freyja is one of those naturally well behaved children. She gets terribly upset if she is told that something she has done was unkind or naughty. The worst she does is sulk (and she really can sulk...) if she wants something her own way. And she is a bit of a tell-tale. But I never worry about going anywhere or doing anything with her. And before you think I'm being awfully smug here, I am well aware that this is less to do with my parenting skills and more to do with her natural disposition - my second child regularly reduces me to the point of tears with his rebellious and challenging behaviour and I am frequently at a loss as to how to handle him. And anyway, Freyja will probably be a frightful teenager.
On Friday after school Freyja told me that they did their stars. And then she said that she didn't understand why she didn't get one when she was always good. To be honest I didn't really know what to say. I know that she will have been very good all week. I tried to explain that not everyone gets stars all the time but she was confused that a number of children who are always talking on the mat were given stickers for not talking that day - when she never, ever talks when she is sitting on the mat.
Of course I know that stickers are used to encourage good behaviour and if there is a child whose normal behaviour is to be good then they don't really need a sticker and in fact have to do something over and above their normal good behaviour to get a reward. I understand this but I wasn't really sure how to explain it to a 5 year old. She just sees that she is always good but she never gets rewarded for it.
Having recently read Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn I am unsure now where I stand on the whole reward/punishment school of parenting. I found it very interesting and found that alot of the research, theories and ideas he was putting forward made sense. But quite how you get away from rewards and punishments out in the real world I'm not so sure and I still find myself praising and punishing when parenting my children.
We don't generally do much of the whole stickers thing at home. I tend just to just verbally praise good deeds and behaviour and tell them off for anything not so good, explaining that if X keeps happening then the result will be Y (though this is backfiring on me now as Theo has started using the same technique on me...) I am conscious about using rewards such as stickers or a new toy to encourage better behaviour from Theo because I don't want Freyja to see that indirectly Theo's uncooperative behaviour will get him something. I just don't think that's fair to her.
My concern is that, like with the stars at school, Freyja ends up feeling overlooked because she is well behaved and Theo, one way or another, gets all the attention, so this is something I am always trying to balance.
Luckily today Freyja came home from school and told me that all the children who had behaved well that day got a star - so she at least is happy again.
posted by solveig at
7:38 pm
2 Comments:
I really enjoyed reading this post. Working in a school, I've been thinking a lot about stars, rewards and the generally system of meritocracy that exists not only in primary schools but in secondary schools too. My class this year is constantly being bribed and rewarded with table points and stars as they are on the whole disruptive and challenging. It concerns my that when these children - who are already so disillusioned and angry with the world - reach 16 and have to cope with 'real life' won't understand why they're not being patted on the back every five minutes when they do something right.
I keep having this feeling that young people today (and I'm not that old!) want constant instant gratification and to receive everything they want when they want it. I think of it as The X Factor Effect - they want instant success rather than working hard for it and achieving it through solid graft.
I'm not sure what the answer is but I think it's going to get harder and harder for young people to do things for the sake of it and not because they are going to be rewarded.
I'm getting off my soap box now - but as you can tell it's something that's been playing on my mind! x
It's definitely a tricky one and, having read Unconditional Love and now reading Divas & Dictators (both great books but one about not rewarding/punishing and one about using praise and reward), one I'm not sure at all about where I stand.
I do think incentive and reward has its place - even as adults we like to be rewarded - but agree with you that too much of it could lead to needing it.
I remember getting house points at school but at least there was a wider aspect in that it wasn't just you but your whole house that benefited if you did something well.
A very interesting subject!
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