Together

One of the delights of having two children is not only the fact that I can tell them to go and play together when I'm busy, but also just how wonderful it is when they are playing together and to watch their developing relationship. Seeing them being affectionate or laughing or playing or even just sitting with each other makes my heart swell. It's like my feelings for each of them get bundled together into one great big bubble of love.

Of course, they fight like cats and dogs much of the time. Freyja can be an introverted soul, enjoying her 'me-time', while Theo just likes to throw himself into it all and get involved. Freyja is sensitive and bossy, Theo cheeky and defiant, not always a happy combination. Theo wants to do everything that Freyja does, which is not always well received. And they'll do their utmost to be the one who is being thrown in the air by daddy or tickled by mummy.

But when they do play together, they seem to relish each other's company at a level beyond any of their other friendships. They get quite rowdy, fighting and tickling and chasing. They can make each other laugh and laugh. And increasingly they share hugs and kisses as well as games and laughter.

To anyone else, they probably have an indifferent relationship or one where Theo annoys Freyja and Freyja shouts at Theo and tells him to leave her alone. But to me, privy to their moments of hilarity and abandon, as well as those quiet times when Freyja climbs into Theo's cot in the morning and reads with him, it is something special.

Freyja is also very protective of her brother. While she will quite happily tell him to go away and leave her alone, if someone jokes that they are going to take him home with them, she's straight on the defensive, shouting 'no, you can't have my brother'. And when I use the old 'okay we are just going without you' trick on Theo, it's Freyja who throws the wobbly, tearfully sobbing to me 'you can't leave Theo, I love my brother'.

Whether their bond will last who knows? But it is one of my real hopes that my children will remain close friends throughout their lives. For now, I love that they have each other, a little buddy to play with, to eat with, to sit quietly with or to chase manically around house.

Molo Kids

I have only ever bought one thing by Molo - a football print T-shirt for Theo - because they are quite expensive. But they are lovely - along the same lines as the Auntie Ollie clothes I mentioned in a previous post.

I just love the realistic prints and the bright colours. Little Sunflowers stocks a really good range and the girl's daisy print and butterfly print they currently have in stock are just beautiful.


I've put up pictures of a dress and skirt but you can also get tops, leggings and romper suits in the same prints.

Gorgeous!

Happy Ever After

One of Freyja's current favourite bedtime stories at the moment is one about a little girl who rides on her toy unicorn to find out what makes people 'happy ever after'.



We read it tonight and afterwards I asked Freyja what would make her happy ever after. Without hesitation, she replied:

'Pizzas and pancakes, some nice smelling flowers, a beautiful handbag, ballet lessons and some pretty dresses'.

Okay.

She then asked me what would make me happy ever after. I told her that I'm happy when she and Theo and Daddy are happy.

'Anything else?' she asked

'Well, just being with you and Theo and Daddy'

She looked at me for a while, then said 'and some peace and quiet...?'

Oops...

So my No Added Sugar parcel arrived. I opened it up, and inside, as well as Theo's lovely new green T-shirt and a present that I had bought for a friend's baby girl, was this:

and this:
Oops. I don't really remember buying them.

Yikes.

What's It All About?

I started writing my blog a few months after my daughter was born. I backdated a few months based on my memories but it has pretty much documented my life since Freyja arrived, gave everything a good shake and sent me off down the path of motherhood and all that brings with it.

I write my blog for me. A few people I know read it, and a couple of others I don't know read it. But, ultimately, it's for me. It's my outlet, it's my diary. I love reading back on old posts, seeing what Freyja and Theo were up to a year ago. I try and make it look a bit pretty and put up my favourite pictures of my children, and photos of clothes and toys that I like. I try to relate the majority of my posts to motherhood - not because that is all I am about, but because that is the theme of my blog.

In October I found out that I was listed on the 100 best UK parenting blogs. I hadn't really taken much of a part in the blogging community up to that point, so I was pretty amazed to see me there, languishing at number 99, but there none-the-less. It opened up a whole new blogging world that up to that point I'd only be dimly aware of.

Since October I have dipped a tentative toe into the blogging community. It's been rewarding and, on occasion, slightly alarming, but mostly it has connected me to other bloggers, helped me improve my own blog and made me think about what I want my blog to be.

I've taken a more active part in commenting on other blogs. I've contemplated whether I should put myself forward for reviewing products. I've stressed about the fact that I'm not 'a writer', like so many bloggers seem to be. I've worried that most of my posts were actually quite boring to anyone but me. I've worried that I can't write well enough. I've worried about the subjects I choose.

And then I've come full circle and remembered that I blog for myself.

My blog should be whatever I want it to be and nothing else. I've now read so many blogs which are all different and all fabulous in their own way. I've discovered so many that, having resisted for ages, I've finally asked my husband to show me how to use Google Reader, which he gleefully has done. I haven't joined Twitter though. Yet...

I absolutely love reading everyone else's fantastic blogs and getting inspiration for my own and my list of must reads is growing daily. I used to find that sometimes I struggled to write posts that weren't just a record of what happened that day, but reading other blogs has given me so much inspiration that I always have half a dozen unpublished posts that I'll probably never get round to putting up.

I'm really glad that I decided to branch out and join in (even if it's only on the fringes) - it's been enriching in many ways, not least in making my blog that little bit better. So I'll keep that toe dipped in.

But I'll also remember that, ultimately, I write my blog to remind me of these times. And because I enjoy writing it.

I write it for me.

I love H&M

Theo in his uber-cool tiger print 'T' fom H&M:

Three Voices

These are the voices I can't get out of my head (and just to clarify, for anyone who knows me, these are the voices in my head, not Adrian's....)

Voice 1: It's time to start thinking about the 3rd child. You always said you'd have 3 children and Theo's nearly 2 now and you don't want too big a gap between them. Time to start planning...

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 1: But if you quit your job, you won't be able to buy No Added Sugar T-shirts and go out for lunch on a whim. And you will not get any maternity pay and will struggle to pay your childcare costs when you go back to university.

Voice 3: Ah yes, university. Change of career, a full time student again for 2 years, not earning any money the whole time. Doing something for yourself. Do-able with 2 children. How about with 3?

Voice 1: Okay, but what will you look back at and regret? Waiting a few more years to re-train or not having another child?

Voice 3: You might regret the 3rd child you know. Don't forget how it feels when Theo refuses to get in his car seat so you are late leaving for work. Or when Freyja whines and whines and whines until you snap and then feel terrible.

Voice 1: I don't think you would ever regret a child. Think about how they make you laugh. How Theo's face lights up when he sees you in the morning. How Freyja tells you you are her best friend. How your arms ache a little at the end of each working day because you want to get home and cuddle them.

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 3: Think about the practicalities. More cost, more time, more stress, not enough attention to go around, less for each child. The sleepless nights. Remember the nights...

Voice 1: But you always wanted 3 children. Your family doesn't feel quite complete. And these kids certainly don't need more stuff.

Voice 3: Well, you'll be able to re-train sooner and it will be less stressful with only two children, both financially and practically. How are you going to afford full time child care for a baby while you study? Will you even want to study full time with a young baby?

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 3: Actually, you know, you could quit your job now if you don't have any more children....

Voice 1: But something will always be missing...

Voice 3: Things are just getting easier now. You can leave the kids with the grandparents. You have a spare bedroom! Think about how they drive you mad sometimes...

Voice 1: But....

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Where will I be at the end of this year? Which voice will shout loudest?

Written for Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop No 11

No Added Sugar

Just been on the No Added Sugar website and they have a really good sale on their long sleeved T-shirts. I had already bought Freyja two of their tops from the ASOS sale:

And have now bought one for Theo too:

When I do this sort of thing - impulse buy more clothes for my kids that they don't really need - I remind myself that because I do work those 2 days a week I can buy this stuff from time to time.

I Am Woman - through my rose tinted specs!

Well it's an obvious one, and I'm not sure I'd say it's something I'm 'guilty' of, just something I, and probably many other women, do - I definitely view the births of my children with rose coloured spectacles!

Freyja's in particular has taken on some kind of mystical quality in my mind, where I'm sure I wafted around the room in a floaty piece of chiffon, listening to tinkling music and then popped her out with barely a sigh. The reality, I well know, was me huffing around, totally starkers, in a room in Lewisham hospital, throwing up and crying.

It actually was a very easy, straightfoward birth and although I do know that of course it hurt like hell, I look back on it still and think - wow, I did that!

Part of the reason that Freyja's birth has been elevated to the status of 'perfect birth' in my mind is because Theo's didn't go quite as well. As far as births go, it was still pretty simple and trouble free but I know that I felt quite out of control, that the pain was intense and then there was the small matter of me thinking he wasn't actually alive when he came out...

But even his birth has been transformed into some kind of goddess like feat to my mind's eye. I may have felt on verge of panicking and I may have told myself that I was never, ever going to put myself through this again - and yet I look back on it and what I feel is elation.

The pain, the worry, the exhaustion - it's all gone. All I remember is feeling like the strongest woman alive.

Thank goodness for rose tinted spectacles. And hormones...

(written for Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop No 10)

Breastfeeding

Muddling Along Mummy recently wrote this very honest post about breastfeeding. Of course, this got me thinking about my own experience of breastfeeding (I'd think of nothing to write about if I didn't read other blogs...)

I breastfed both of my children, exclusively, for a year. I am proud that I did it. But I do not count myself as part of the 'Breastapo' either. I think you do what is right for you, and if that is formula, then that is fine. I would not want to judge anyone who chose to use formula, for whatever reason they have.

Now, I do actually think 'breast is best' and, if it were my place to do so (which it isn't), I would encourage new mothers to at least give it a go. But, in my experience it isn't easy and if something has to give and if that something is breastfeeding then so be it. We beat ourselves up about so many things - if formula works for you then do it. I was formula fed. I am healthy, intelligent and I love my mum.

The first 2 weeks that I breastfed my daughter were complete agony. Every feed took about an hour and she needed feeding within an hour and I dreaded it every time. I would be crying at the thought of having to feed her. Once latched on it was bearable but that initial latch was excruciating, like razor blades. I would literally be in tears. My midwife kept checking the latch and saying it was fine. But getting that tiny little mouth to open wide enough to latch on like all the books said it should be done seemed practically impossible. One of my nipples ended up badly cut and I have been left with a scar that reminds me that things you eventually do with ease don't always come naturally and so you should never judge those who choose not to go there.

The midwife told me to pump on the cut side and just feed from the other side to give it time to heal. Eventually the pain of breastfeeding subsided but I still didn't do it with ease. I needed at least 5 pillows around me to prop the baby up. I don't think I have a body that fits naturally for breastfeeding - I am tall and small breasted. I had to hoist my daughter up to the height of my boobs to feed her, there was nothing relaxing about it. Any hopes I had of a routine were out the window, not only because of her constant feeding but also because I insisted on feeding her before I left the house because I was so terrified of having to do it in public and not being able to.

One kind mum I met recommended I go to Mothercare and feed in the breastfeeding room there as my first attempt at feeding out and about. Slowly, slowly I became better and eventually I could feed walking around, one arm propping her up. But if anyone had told me I would be able to do that in those first few weeks I would probably have laughed (and not in a nice way) in their face.

I carried on, and perhaps that's only because I was lucky that it took only around 2 weeks for the pain to subside. I just wanted to breastfeed. But I would not have blamed myself or anyone else for deciding not to do it - if that pain hadn't subsided I don't think I could have carried on. Feeding during that time was such an ordeal and something that I dreaded so it was certainly not the bonding moment to be treasured that you read about!

I carried on for a year because 6 months came around very quickly and I felt that I'd only just got the hang of it, so it seemed natural just to keep going.

I was prepared for it to be difficult with Theo as well, but luckily it wasn't. A bit of initial soreness but I slipped easily back into breastfeeding again, for which I am thankful, as I know that is not always the case. I breastfed Theo for a year, because I was able to and I had done the same with Freyja. It seemed right to do the same for both of them. But, again, if I had struggled with Theo I might not have applied this rule to myself.

The thing with breastfeeding is that you expect it to be the most natural thing in the world and for most people it just isn't. If there is one thing I remember from those crazy early days of motherhood it's that you need support, not someone beating you up for your decisions - so no one should judge anyone who is just trying to do their best.

And that is why, despite being a breast feeder, I'm not a member of the Breastapo either.

Bloggers for Haiti

I am joining in to raise awareness for the Bloggers for Haiti JustGiving page, through which you can donate to raise money for a shelterbox for those suffering in Haiti.

I found out about this through the blogs that I read. Hopefully reading this will lead to at least one more person donating.

It's done...

...I have submitted my application for primary schools for Freyja. I feel sick and relieved in equal measure.

Although I have put 4 choices down I am 99.9% sure that she will get a place in the one I have put as second choice. However, I would love her to get the one I put down as my first choice. But it's a little further away - we're talking a 10 minute as opposed to a 5 minute walk here, so there's not much in it, but in Lewisham, where schools are oversubscribed, that makes a big difference.

I'll know on the 21st April. My preschool honeymoon is drawing to a close.

My Favourite Photo

I've been waiting to be tagged in the favourite photo meme , but have decided to just tag myself as lots of people opened it up to everyone...

I've thought long and hard and gone over all the gorgeous photos of my children, of which there are many. But the one photo I truely love and would hate to lose is this one of my husband and me on our wedding day. Yes, it's a bit obvious and probably a little bit naff to chose a wedding picture. But it is (probably...) my favourite photo.


I hate all photographs of me and very rarely have my picture taken. I honestly can't stand seeing them and realising what I really look like. But I've yet to see a photo of a bride that looked bad, and luckily this extended to me on my wedding day.

This picture was taken as we left the church. I'm laughing as I've just noticed a couple across the road who have stopped to watch us and Adrian has looked over and started smiling. There are many pictures from my wedding day that I like, but this one is my favourite. I think it caputures a spontaneous moment of happiness, but in a formal setting, under the archway of the church.

A year later I was pregnant with Freyja, though I didn't yet know it...!

It would be wrong to put this photo up without crediting the wonderful photographer you took it. Alison Purvis-Gisbourne was just starting out when she photographed our wedding, but a quick search on Google shows her business is now booming.

I'd like to tag my husband...let's see what he comes up with!

Mini Boden II

Today, Freyja and I made a winter version of our Mini Boden masterpiece:



As you can see, I am no artist, but Adrian assures me that my crappy stick people lend the picture a certain charm...

I love doing the crafty stuff with Freyja. It alleviates the guilt somewhat about the amount of telly I let her watch.

Red Shoes

They say (at least somebody does, I'm sure) that every woman should own a pair of red shoes. Well I've just bought mine...

Everyone at my work received a little (tiny) Christmas bonus this year. I've never had one before and normally when I come into a bit of unexpected money I just say that it will go toward something I've already bought or something we've got coming up.

But not this time. I bought myself a pair of red patent Mulberry ballet pumps. OMG!



I don't normally do designer stuff for two reasons. First, there is plenty of good stuff on the high street. Second, I can't afford it. But I do have a slight weakness for Mulberry accessories and have a purse and a bag which I bought (or rather had bought for me, with only the slightest of hints required - thank you, hunni) on sale.

Then, I just happened to go onto their website the other day and just happened to have a peek at the sale items and just happened to see a pair of ballet pumps in my size on sale...

They arrived yesterday. In a beautiful Mulberry bag, in a lovely shoe box, wrapped in tissue paper. My first thought was that they looked too small for me but when I put them on not only did they fit perfectly but it was like slipping my foot into a soft, cushioned silky slipper. I've never actually even tried on a pair of designer shoes before so this was a real first for me. It was like walking on feathers (yes, I may be getting carried away here...)

So I am delighted with my little purchase. What's more, because I have treated myself to something that I will wear (ballet pumps rather than, say, a gorgeous pair of stilettos which I'll put on but never actually wear on account of feeling like a giantess in them) I may actually get my money's worth.

I wonder if it would be too much to get the black pair too, which they also happen to still have in my size...?

A new discovery - and a resolution

For Christmas, Freyja and Theo received these wonderful little items from my mum:













They are from Aunty Ollie and are right up my street. I do like a good print.

They cost more than I would normally spend on clothes for my children but they are what I would like to dress my kids in if money were no object. I can't actually bring myself to buy expensive clothes knowing that they will spill things down them and grow out of them at an alarming rate (well Theo does anyway, Freyja seems to fit her clothes for years). But as a gratefully received gift from my mum - or if I find them on sale - these Aunty Ollie clothes are just want I like. And yes, the kids like them too - which little girl wouldn't want to wear a dress covered in ice cream sundaes?

Generally I am a Sainsburys and H&M devotee when it comes to kids clothes. Both do well-priced and not run-of-the-mill clothes and are particularly good for boys. I also tend to go a bit mad in the sales, especially at GAP and all those gorgeous Scandinavian brands (Katvig, Polarn O Pyret, Ej Sikke Lej). And the odd treat from No Added Sugar. And who can resist Monsoon? And the occasional bargain from TX Maxx. Oh, and ASOS now has Little ASOS....the list grows!

My mum buys a lot of my children's clothes for them. She is a demon sales shopper and always manages to get them good stuff. She also buys beautiful floral dresses for Freyja from market stalls and little boutique shops. I used to find them a bit old fashioned but have completely come round to them -on their own or teamed with a pair of bright tights, a T-shirt and a hoodie, they make the perfect, comfortable, easy to wear but pretty outfits all year round.

So, my kids do quite well for clothes. My problem, which extends to my own wardrobe, is that I have a tendancy to 'keep things for best', which actually means they never get worn. Especially with the kids, who just keep on growing. In fact, this particular dress Freyja has never worn, despite now being almost too big for it . I just kept getting it out this summer and deciding it was far too pretty to be worn to the park, or the cafe or to Sainsburys. (By the way, if you read that post, turns out she is not a tomboy).

So my resolution is to make sure these lovely clothes get worn - both my things and the children's.

Here is Freyja in her lovely Oilily dress which I found in TK Maxx:


Okay, so this was taken on her birthday, which is obviously a special occasion. But it's a start.

The Grin

I will never tire of asking Theo to smile:

If in doubt, do nothing

Adrian and I contemplated 2009 over a glass of bubbly last night and decided it had been good to us. For us it was a year where we didn't start a new job, didn't get married, didn't get pregnant, didn't have a baby, didn't buy a house....we just lived for a bit.

The latter part of the year for me was one where I contemplated my future and what best to do. I have gone over every option possible with where I want my family and my career to go. I've been quite distracted by it, not completely happy and anxious about making the right decision.

So I finally decided not to make a decision at all. I'm not going to change anything right now - I'm just going to live with what we've got and where we are for a little longer. I'm working two days a week now, also doing my voluntary placement at Kings College Hospital and am enjoying the days I have with my children.

So here's to doing nothing for a bit longer - Happy New Year.