Explaining death to a 4 year old (and a 2 year old)
Somehow, I don't really know how or when, my daughter added the idea of being 'alive' and being 'dead' to her vocabulary. She will talk about something or someone being 'dead', but I don't think she understands the finality of death - I suppose that she thinks it's like being asleep. She's never asked what 'dead' actually is.
But her Auntie Anna is very, very sick and she is going to die. We are going to visit and somehow I need to explain to my children what is happening - maybe not now, but soon. Auntie Anna is mother to their much loved cousins - and she features frequently in their stories and the games that they play.
I have never told them that she is ill. There seemed little point when to look at she appeared to be perfectly fine, and when we didn't really know how long this would go on for.
But it won't be much longer. Only weeks now, they say.
I mentioned to Freyja that Auntie Anna was ill and she would never get better. 'Never, ever?' she asked. 'Never, ever' I replied. And we left at that.
I suppose I will just try to explain very simply when the time is right - children are very good at accepting what is going on. I've seen that from Anna's own children.
But I do wish that this was something I didn't have to do. And not because I have to tell my children something horrible, but because a 35 year old wife and mother of two boys shouldn't be dying.
But her Auntie Anna is very, very sick and she is going to die. We are going to visit and somehow I need to explain to my children what is happening - maybe not now, but soon. Auntie Anna is mother to their much loved cousins - and she features frequently in their stories and the games that they play.
I have never told them that she is ill. There seemed little point when to look at she appeared to be perfectly fine, and when we didn't really know how long this would go on for.
But it won't be much longer. Only weeks now, they say.
I mentioned to Freyja that Auntie Anna was ill and she would never get better. 'Never, ever?' she asked. 'Never, ever' I replied. And we left at that.
I suppose I will just try to explain very simply when the time is right - children are very good at accepting what is going on. I've seen that from Anna's own children.
But I do wish that this was something I didn't have to do. And not because I have to tell my children something horrible, but because a 35 year old wife and mother of two boys shouldn't be dying.
posted by solveig at
8:16 pm
3 Comments:
I am so sorry to hear this Solveig, life can be so unkind.
With regards to describing what is happening and death to children it is something I always do using the most simple factual explanation I can. My father died when I was a child and I always talk about him to my children (refered to as Grandpa who died). We talk about how his body stopped working and when this happens thoughts and feelings stop. We talk about how the tiny building blocks that make up out bodies are released and make up new plants and animals. We talk about how even though their life has ended we keep their spirit alive with the love in our hearts for them. It won't necessarily make it any easier to bear but I always think understanding is an important part of acceptance.
however you explain it to them, you'll probably find them asking "when" various members of the family are going to die. Jacob kept asking when I was going to die, Doug, grandparents - he was really concerned that it was going to happen sometime soon. And of course, you can't say "people don't die until they're very old" because it isn't always the case. And of course, being boys, mine are fascinated with what happens to the body after death. Jacob is quite happy with the idea of being burnt, less so with the idea of buried. He doesn't mention death much now - this phase was about 2 years ago - and he's very matter of fact about it now.
Thanks so much for the comments.
We went up to see them all this weekend - was actually really lovely. I haven't yet said where this is going to end - at the moment Freyja is of the impression that Anna will just always be sick whenever we go to see them. We'll be going up again soon and will continue to do so while we still can. It felt too final to say goodbye without making plans to go back again.
S xxx
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