Time to go?
My husband and I had a heart to heart about my work the other night. In fact, my work is something we talk about a lot because though I like working, I don't like the job that I do. I dislike it so much that I want to change my career completely - I no longer believe in it and I feel embarrassed telling people what I do for a living. So it's not just a case of moving companies and doing the same thing somewhere new, which is why we talk about it so much. If I leave, it will be a massive change as I won't be resigning to start a new job, I'll be resigning from working life completely, at least for a few years, until I can go back to university to re-train for the career I really want.
I've now been away from work for 6 weeks and am going back tomorrow. I have trawled through my emails in preparation for Tuesday morning back in the office. Of all those emails only a few were directly relevant to me and of them only 2 were requiring me to do something when I get back. Both are routine things that I have regularly done throughout my career. But in the last few years, the worst of which has been since I returned from having Theo, my confidence in my ability to do my job has plummeted. I felt incredibly anxious just reading the emails telling me what I had on when I get back. I feel less capabable of doing my job now than I did 6 years ago when I joined the organisation.
Some of this anxiety stems from how unsettled my department has been over the last few years. Some stems from the fact that I don't like what I do anymore. And I think I have to be honest and recognise that some of it stems from having had a total of 2 years off to have children. Of course, if my return to work have been managed better after each maternity leave (ironic really, given I work in HR...), it may be that I wouldn't now feel quite so anxious about it all, but it remains that some of the way I feel is directly related to the fact that I went off and had children.
I only work two days a week now, plus one morning from home. I keep telling myself that for only two days a week in the office it is worth it for the money I earn. But those two days come around very quickly and I sit in the office thinking I could be looking after my children instead of paying someone else to do it while I sit there dreading the day ahead.
I do want to work. I don't have a problem with my children being looked after on a part time basis by someone else. I'm not entirely sure that I would make that great a full time mother. But I also want the work I do to at least feel worthwhile, even if only to one or two people, and mine just doesn't. I don't feel I make any difference at all and though I work hard and am reliable, I don't really feel I am a very relevant person in my organisation any more.
The the other night my husband said to me that he felt the way I feel about work was beginning to impact on the way I am away from work. And so I have started to seriously consider resigning. I've always talked about it, but never really felt I would do it. But it's a hard decision to make. I don't feel defined by my job at all, but I do feel like a woman who works. My mother always worked, it has never occurred to me that I might take a different path, even if just for a short while until the kids are in school. There is also the financial aspect to consider, the plans we have for which it would be helpful for me to have an income. Not to mention Topshop.com....
But there is also that fact that Freyja increasingly asks if it will be me who picks her up from school. She tells me that she wants it to be me.
So here I am wondering if I will actually do it this time. Let's see how long I last tomorrow before I feel like throwing myself out the window - that should give me a good indication of whether it's time to go.
I've now been away from work for 6 weeks and am going back tomorrow. I have trawled through my emails in preparation for Tuesday morning back in the office. Of all those emails only a few were directly relevant to me and of them only 2 were requiring me to do something when I get back. Both are routine things that I have regularly done throughout my career. But in the last few years, the worst of which has been since I returned from having Theo, my confidence in my ability to do my job has plummeted. I felt incredibly anxious just reading the emails telling me what I had on when I get back. I feel less capabable of doing my job now than I did 6 years ago when I joined the organisation.
Some of this anxiety stems from how unsettled my department has been over the last few years. Some stems from the fact that I don't like what I do anymore. And I think I have to be honest and recognise that some of it stems from having had a total of 2 years off to have children. Of course, if my return to work have been managed better after each maternity leave (ironic really, given I work in HR...), it may be that I wouldn't now feel quite so anxious about it all, but it remains that some of the way I feel is directly related to the fact that I went off and had children.
I only work two days a week now, plus one morning from home. I keep telling myself that for only two days a week in the office it is worth it for the money I earn. But those two days come around very quickly and I sit in the office thinking I could be looking after my children instead of paying someone else to do it while I sit there dreading the day ahead.
I do want to work. I don't have a problem with my children being looked after on a part time basis by someone else. I'm not entirely sure that I would make that great a full time mother. But I also want the work I do to at least feel worthwhile, even if only to one or two people, and mine just doesn't. I don't feel I make any difference at all and though I work hard and am reliable, I don't really feel I am a very relevant person in my organisation any more.
The the other night my husband said to me that he felt the way I feel about work was beginning to impact on the way I am away from work. And so I have started to seriously consider resigning. I've always talked about it, but never really felt I would do it. But it's a hard decision to make. I don't feel defined by my job at all, but I do feel like a woman who works. My mother always worked, it has never occurred to me that I might take a different path, even if just for a short while until the kids are in school. There is also the financial aspect to consider, the plans we have for which it would be helpful for me to have an income. Not to mention Topshop.com....
But there is also that fact that Freyja increasingly asks if it will be me who picks her up from school. She tells me that she wants it to be me.
So here I am wondering if I will actually do it this time. Let's see how long I last tomorrow before I feel like throwing myself out the window - that should give me a good indication of whether it's time to go.
posted by solveig at
6:31 am
4 Comments:
Must be very hard to feel this way. I hope you are able to find something which brings you happiness.
Thanks for your comment - I already feel better now that I am seriously considering resigning rather than just talking about it.
I'm lucky in that I know what I want to do - re-train as a Speech & Language Therapist - but it's just deciding what do do between the where I am now and where I want to be as the where I want to be will have to wait until the kids are a bit older.
S x
If you feel that way and its impacting your wider life it probably is time to get out and start working towards your new career
I hadn't realised just how horribly all encompassingly miserable my job had made me until I resigned and suddenly felt so happy - its scary yes but nobody should feel that bad about work
@Muddling along Mummy - my first week wasn't back wasn't too back and looks like there are to be more changes in my dept. Wondering now if I should stick to find out things get better. It is such a hard decision to make.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home