Freyja

Almost Better

I am pleased to report that Freyja is much better, after another day spent at home, this time with Daddy. She has still lost her voice though - I shouldn't laugh but it is very funny.

Yesterday was all pathetic whispers - saying 'cough', while patting her chest, and 'cuddle', while stretching out those little arms. Today, it's Freyja on helium, but at least she is talking again. Can hardly make out a word that she's saying though.

Poorly

Oh dear. Freyja is actually quite ill. I don't think it's just teething after all - she's very hot, has a barking cough which makes her cry and has lost her voice. It's all very pathetic really - she's speaking in barely a whisper and is flushed and tearful. She still won't let me give her any medicine and just the mention of the word is now enough to set her off.

She's on her third nap of the day - the good thing is that she is actually asking to go to sleep when she needs to, as long as I keep reminding her.

I've read 'Aliens love Underpants' and 'Charlie & Lola - I will not never eat a tomato' about 50 times each, I can now just about recite them off by heart.

I actually think this is probably the sickest she's been. We've previously had 2 bouts of stomach bug, which only lasted a few hours in the night and the usual coughs and colds but she generally copes quite well when she's ill. The last time, she was sick was with a nasty cough (though we still dragged her to London Zoo...) which she then passed on to all her friends, who all got much, much sicker than she had been....oh, how pleased with myself I was for not realising soon enough that her cough wasn't caused by the dust from having the living room wall knocked down...

I decided not to take any chances this time, and I've stayed home with her. And as it turns out she really isn't well enough to be anywhere else.

New Floors

Finally, finally we have disposed of the manky carpet that I just couldn't stand and was making me feel like I was living in a rented house instead my own home and we have shiny, glossy floorboards. They look better than I ever could have imagined. Thank you Jason, for recommending Tom; thank you Tom, for doing such a wonderful job.

I love my house!


We got home from my parents house where we had stayed while the boards were being lacquered (more hard wearing and therefore better if you have small children) and I just couldn't believe how wonderful it looked. Adrian and I are now, of course, paranoid about scratching them - poor Freyja wasn't allowed to wheel her doll's buggy up and down the hallway and I watched, heart in mouth, every time she picked up something hard and ran around with it. I hardly dare walk on it, it looks so perfect. Just need some furniture now...

Freyja, unfortunately, is a bit poorly. She's been a bit under the weather for a few days and yesterday told me her mouth hurt - sure enough, at the back on the top gums, I felt the sharp edge of a tooth emerging. Bedtime was a nightmare, not helped by the fact that she's convinced we are trying to poison her when we give her Calpol. We have to literally hold her down and squirt it in her mouth with a syringe and then she spits most of it out anyway. Trying to apply teething gel is much the same.

This morning, she's bright red, hot and has a hoarse cough. She's in good spirits though - we cuddled up together and had a few rounds of her books and then she asked to go back to sleep and has been flat out for the last hour or so.

Think it will be a day of books, cuddles, tea (for me!) and general mothering. Bliss!

32 Week Bump

Some people think it's massive, some people think it's tiny. Funny how people stereotype - because I'm definitely bigger than last time, nearly everyone says 'Ooooh, maybe it's a boy then'.

I'm pretty uncomfortable now, I feel like my sides are about to split and I'm sure I'm about to be riddled with stretch marks. I'm layering on the bio-oil, but given that last time I had gone through about 5 bottles by this stage and this time I'm still on the first bottle, even if it does make a difference (which is doubtful but I live in hope) it's probably too late now!

First Names

Freyja has recently taken to calling me 'Solveig' from time to time. She does it with a cheeky look in my direction, as if she has found something out that she's not sure she is supposed to know about.

I was a little surprised at first but now I just tell her that Solveig is my name but that she can call me 'Mummy', and she is the only person (for now...) who is allowed to call me that. She just looks at me and repeats 'Solveig'....

Big Boots

Mind your language

On a lighter note, I taught my daughter to say 'shit' today. I'm so proud....

Feeling Better

It's amazing how actually saying what you are feeling and having a good cry can make you feel so much better and put everything into perspective. I've had some lovely replies to my previous post so thank you so much to everyone who wanted to make me feel better. And I do feel better.

I admit that Freyja suddenly seems much younger than I expected her to at this age and I am sad that this time in my life is coming to an end. I've never been a good one for change (just ask poor Adrian who has to deal with this kind of thing from me on a regular basis. I even get upset if we don't have the same cheesy mashed potatoes every Christmas...)

This pregnancy has not turned out like I expected. When I was pregnant with Freyja I felt very detached from the whole thing and worried that I had made a mistake. It wasn't until she had arrived that I fell utterly, hopelessly in love. But I thought this time, knowing what it is like to love my child, I would be excited and would feel very connected to my unborn baby, which, if I'm honest, I don't. I've also found it much more tiring and uncomfortable and I think my legs have got fat, which is never going to make anyone very happy!

I also can't quite get my head around the fact that I don't have a certain amount of love to go round. Loving my new baby is not going to make me love Freyja less and loving Freyja so much does not mean that I won't love the new baby as much. I was the same last time - I love Adrian so much that I couldn't really see how I was going to love a baby anywhere near as much. But of course, I do.

One thing I would like to say is that all these jitters don't for one second mean I don't want this baby. I do feel that I'd love to make time stand still for a bit but I certainly don't want any other baby than the one that is growing inside me. Oh no, I know all about that! I well remember Freyja arriving and being so overwhelmingly glad that I hadn't been more careful about avoiding having a Christmas baby!!!

For the record, I'm a second born child myself (and a middle child at that!), and I certainly don't feel less loved than my older brother (or my younger sister). I also have the exact same age gap between me and my brother as Freyja will have with her younger sibling, and I've always thought it was good one.

So, I have two and half months to enjoy the rest of my time as a 3 person family and prepare us all for the arrival of the next one. And in two and half months or so this little bundle of joy is going to land in my arms, we'll look at each other in surprise and I'll wonder how on earth I ever lived without him/her!

Late Pregnancy Jitters

In the last 2 weeks I have been feeling pretty much horrified about the prospect of having a new baby. It's nothing to do with sleepless nights, endless nappies or breastfeeding difficulties. It's all to do with it being the end of just us and Freyja.

When we decided to start trying again, when Freyja was coming up to 19 months, I thought that an age gap of between 2 and 2 & half would be perfect. But now, she still seems so young. Adrian washed her hair tonight (which she hates) and when he towel dried it, it all stuck up like some mad scientist hairdo, this little cloud of baby hair around her tiny little head, and I thought to myself that she is still just a baby herself. She isn't, of course. She's a walking, talking, increasingly independent little toddler-girl. She just doesn't have much hair.

But suddenly, I want more time with her. I want to treasure every second and I want it to last longer than I have left. Just a few more months - why did I get pregnant so quickly! Why didn't I wait until after the summer? Why didn't I think that an age gap of between 2 & half and 3 would be best? I want longer with Freyja before I have to divide my time with another child.

I went through a similar thing when I was pregnant with Freyja. I wanted to delay by a few months - why had I got pregnant so quickly! Why was I so desperate to have my first child before I turned 30? What was the rush? I wanted longer with Adrian before I had to share him.

I came home today, after torturing myself by going on the internet and researching age gaps, and cried. I cried for everything that is about to change. I cried for Freyja and how her world would be turned upside down. I cried for Adrian with his silly, indecisive wife. I cried for my poor unborn baby who has been so neglected. And I cried for myself, for all my doubts and fears. God, I'm making myself cry again just writing this!

I know that I want another child, I know that the age gap is right for us and I know that I would have agonised like this even if we'd waited 10 years. I just don't know how I'm going shake this feeling that I'm somehow betraying Freyja and how I am going to love another child as much as I love her.

Do all second time mums feel like this?

Close Call...

Today, the thing we have been dreading the most happened. We lost Rabbie.

It happened in Sainsburys. Just as we were on our way out of the car park Freyja suddenly said 'Rabbie!' from the back seat. My heart stopped because I knew I had given him to her just before we got to the check out and I knew that when I'd put her in her seat she hadn't had him. In fact, when I thought about it, she had been eating a packet of raisins while I was packing the shopping, with no Rabbie in sight.

We parked the car and Adrian dashed back into the shop, while I paced up and down, wondering if we'd ever be able to get her to sleep again. But someone was looking kindly on us, because Adrian found Rabbie, who had been dumped on the side of the conveyor belt in favour of the packet of raisins which Freyja had swiped from the pile of groceries.

Hurrah! Crisis avoided and we could all breathe again. And it looks like we got a free packet of raisins out of it too....

Giving Birth Again

I was walking home from seeing a friend today when I was suddenly struck by the realisation that I am going to have to give birth again. This is pretty obvious, but I've not really been thinking about it much.

Now by all accounts, my experience of labour and giving birth to Freyja was very good indeed. I had my first contraction at 8am, went to hospital at around 3pm and she arrived at 9pm. I had only gas & air for pain relief, didn't need any stitches, she started feeding immediately and we went home the next day. I didn't have a lengthy 36 hour labour, an episiotomy, forceps, ventouse or an emergency caesarian.

But the thing is, I still had to get the baby out and it still hurt like hell. And I'm going to have to do it again...