Late Pregnancy Jitters
In the last 2 weeks I have been feeling pretty much horrified about the prospect of having a new baby. It's nothing to do with sleepless nights, endless nappies or breastfeeding difficulties. It's all to do with it being the end of just us and Freyja.When we decided to start trying again, when Freyja was coming up to 19 months, I thought that an age gap of between 2 and 2 & half would be perfect. But now, she still seems so young. Adrian washed her hair tonight (which she hates) and when he towel dried it, it all stuck up like some mad scientist hairdo, this little cloud of baby hair around her tiny little head, and I thought to myself that she is still just a baby herself. She isn't, of course. She's a walking, talking, increasingly independent little toddler-girl. She just doesn't have much hair.
But suddenly, I want more time with her. I want to treasure every second and I want it to last longer than I have left. Just a few more months - why did I get pregnant so quickly! Why didn't I wait until after the summer? Why didn't I think that an age gap of between 2 & half and 3 would be best? I want longer with Freyja before I have to divide my time with another child.
I went through a similar thing when I was pregnant with Freyja. I wanted to delay by a few months - why had I got pregnant so quickly! Why was I so desperate to have my first child before I turned 30? What was the rush? I wanted longer with Adrian before I had to share him.
I came home today, after torturing myself by going on the internet and researching age gaps, and cried. I cried for everything that is about to change. I cried for Freyja and how her world would be turned upside down. I cried for Adrian with his silly, indecisive wife. I cried for my poor unborn baby who has been so neglected. And I cried for myself, for all my doubts and fears. God, I'm making myself cry again just writing this!
I know that I want another child, I know that the age gap is right for us and I know that I would have agonised like this even if we'd waited 10 years. I just don't know how I'm going shake this feeling that I'm somehow betraying Freyja and how I am going to love another child as much as I love her.
Do all second time mums feel like this?
posted by solveig @ 7:44 PM
2 Comments:
You do sound very down.
I'm not sure I've got any words of wisdom that might help - tbh, I can't really remember feeling like this when I was expecting Sam. My qualms about having two children with only a 20 month age gap were generally of a practical nature (ie how would I manage to get them both up our horribly steep stairs in order to get Sam down for a nap etc). I was, mostly, just looking forward to having my family complete, to giving up work and staying at home with my boys.
I remember having some conversations with Doug about how to make sure Jacob didn't feel neglected, most of which involved him spending more time with Doug. But I think you're going to have to face the fact that Freyja will feel neglected to some degree - she's no longer the centre of your world, she won't get all the attention.
But she's going to have to deal with it, it is all part of growing up - its a valuable lesson (especially when she gets to nursery and school) that it isn't all about her. Its a long process - Jacob is still having to learn that he has to share with Sam, that Sam will wear clothes that were his just a few months ago, that Sam might want to watch something different on tv to him, and that Mummy will give Sam just as much attention as him. It doesn't mean that you love Freyja any less, just that your family dynamic is changing and an adjustment of attitude, of focus, will be required by all three of you.
You might get a period where Freyja gets closer to Adrian than you, just because you're busy doing baby stuff. Its not like you're suddenly going to ignore her entirely, and to be frank, apart from tending to them, new born babies are pretty boring so you'll end up spending a surprising amount of quality time with Freyja - the key will be to making the time count.
I think you should stop worrying about the time gap between them - there's a smaller gap between Sam and Jacob, between Amy and Irie, between Aidan and Joe - and when I look at them, I see happy families, happy siblings. All the older children have learned to accept their younger sibling, but it is an on-going process, probably throughout childhood and it is unlikely to ever be totally easy.
I get the impression that you feel guilty about not having obsessed as much with this pregnancy as you did with your first. I think the key is that it isn't new any more, you know exactly what's going on in there, how to do the best for your baby etc, and don't feel the same pressing need to pore over baby books.
And the worry that you won't love the baby as much as Freyja is probably a v common fear with second-time mums. Of course you will - you'll love them both with that same maternal fierceness that frightens me sometimes.
So cheer up - in a couple of months you'll have your family completed, you'll be utterly knackered, but totally happy and looking back on this blip as a hiatus in a trouble-free pregnancy.
If you do want to chat about it, you know my number, and I'm more than happy to let you bend my ear about it :-)
Thanks Rowan! I feel so much better just having expressed what was bothering me - it seems so silly now!
I do think it's the right time for us to have another baby - it's not like we hadn't planned it! It just suddenly seems so close and Freyja is not nearly as grown up as I was expecting her to be!!
I also do know really that I'll love the second one just as much - I'm a second child and certainly don't feel any less loved!
With the pregnancy, it's true that I have hardly given it a thought and this has surprised me a little. I felt quite detached during my first pregnancy and I thought that second time round I would feel much more excited as this time I'd know what it is like to love your child. But it hasn't been like that - I still feel quite detached and imagine now that I will until this little one arrives, same as with I was with Freyja.
No problems with Freyja getting closer to Adrian for a while - she's a daddy's girl at the moment anyway! I guess I should be glad of that!
Anyway, thanks so much for replying and making me feel better.
I think I'm only just realising that I'm going to have another baby!!!
S xxxx
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