The Smell of Little Pong

Feeling Better

It's amazing how actually saying what you are feeling and having a good cry can make you feel so much better and put everything into perspective. I've had some lovely replies to my previous post so thank you so much to everyone who wanted to make me feel better. And I do feel better.

I admit that Freyja suddenly seems much younger than I expected her to at this age and I am sad that this time in my life is coming to an end. I've never been a good one for change (just ask poor Adrian who has to deal with this kind of thing from me on a regular basis. I even get upset if we don't have the same cheesy mashed potatoes every Christmas...)

This pregnancy has not turned out like I expected. When I was pregnant with Freyja I felt very detached from the whole thing and worried that I had made a mistake. It wasn't until she had arrived that I fell utterly, hopelessly in love. But I thought this time, knowing what it is like to love my child, I would be excited and would feel very connected to my unborn baby, which, if I'm honest, I don't. I've also found it much more tiring and uncomfortable and I think my legs have got fat, which is never going to make anyone very happy!

I also can't quite get my head around the fact that I don't have a certain amount of love to go round. Loving my new baby is not going to make me love Freyja less and loving Freyja so much does not mean that I won't love the new baby as much. I was the same last time - I love Adrian so much that I couldn't really see how I was going to love a baby anywhere near as much. But of course, I do.

One thing I would like to say is that all these jitters don't for one second mean I don't want this baby. I do feel that I'd love to make time stand still for a bit but I certainly don't want any other baby than the one that is growing inside me. Oh no, I know all about that! I well remember Freyja arriving and being so overwhelmingly glad that I hadn't been more careful about avoiding having a Christmas baby!!!

For the record, I'm a second born child myself (and a middle child at that!), and I certainly don't feel less loved than my older brother (or my younger sister). I also have the exact same age gap between me and my brother as Freyja will have with her younger sibling, and I've always thought it was good one.

So, I have two and half months to enjoy the rest of my time as a 3 person family and prepare us all for the arrival of the next one. And in two and half months or so this little bundle of joy is going to land in my arms, we'll look at each other in surprise and I'll wonder how on earth I ever lived without him/her!

posted by solveig @ 7:42 PM