Numbers - 3 Bears

Here is my photo for the Gallery this week:



I looked at lots of pictures, but kept coming back to this one. My own little Goldilocks standing with her 3 bears. Taken last weekend at Battersea Park Zoo.

I, Theo

In the last two weeks Theo has started using 'I' when he talks. Freyja didn't do this for ages - she was a 'Freyja wants', 'Freyja do it' kind of talker. Theo has gone straight to using 'I'.

Sometimes he even gets it right.

He says 'I did it' and 'I finish' and 'I want it'. Generally though he just uses it to refer to something he want, is doing, or believes belongs to him. It's cute and often funny.

He says 'I apple' or 'I nappy' or 'I dinner'. Or, our favourite so far, when he called us into his bedroom in the morning and, when we asked where he was, his little muffled voice emerged from behind the curtains: 'I window!'

Friday Fashion Finds

Have had a busy day, so a quick one from the trunk-of-clothes-to-grow-into today:


Theo's eagle top from Monsoon. Love the yellow, love the animal print.

Beauty

I wasn't sure what picture to put for my first entry into the recently launched Sticky Fingers Gallery. The subject is Beauty and I do have lots of beautiful pictures of my children and my family and my home. None of me, mind. Gah.

And then I remembered this one:


I love the vivid red of this one brave and beautiful tulip emerging from the bed of green weeds in our yet to be tended garden. And how Freyja is completely absorbed by it. I look at her face and wonder what she is thinking as she sits there gazing at this flower. I like to think she is simply entranced by its beauty but I imagine that really she is fighting the urge to pick this treasure, which I have no doubt just told her not to!

Wallpaper for Boys

Something more fun now!

I am forever changing my mind about how I should decorate my children's bedrooms. I'm quite happy with them, but I'm always browsing for other ideas.

Recently I found this excellent wallpaper from the wonderful Rockett St George (I could buy nearly everything they stock...) This, however, I am not actually going to get because it's rather expensive and Theo's too young for it anyway.

But I love it. So it's going on my blog.



More appropriate for Theo now (though again, probably not something that I will actually ever get....) are these, by Ferm LIVING (stocked at Cloudberry Living):


I'm particularly keen on the 'Rush Hour' one. Theo has a gorgeous Dwell Studio blanket which I bought him from Lula Sapphire when he was born and I've been slightly in love with this sort of design ever since.
And here's one that Adrian would actually agree to as well. Cricket wallpaper (another one from Rockett St George):


Lovely!

A letter to my sister-in-law

Although we aren't close in the way some sisters-in-law are, you are still such an important part of my life. For one thing, you actually married my brother! And had two beautiful boys with him, my gorgeous nephews. We live in different countries so we don't see each other that often, but I always enjoy the times we are together, as one big family. Do you remember that first Christmas you spent with us when we made you dress up as a swan for a family performance of Swan Lake. And to think you still married him!

How could anyone know what lay around the corner? Sometimes I look at old photos and try to see in those pictures some sign that things weren't right, but I can't. Your hair is shiny, you are smiling. How were we to know that you were being eaten away inside? I'll never forget my mother calling and saying 'we have a problem'. I'll never forget you walking into my flat after the diagnosis of 3rd stage ovarian cancer and hearing you sobbing for 'my boys, my boys'.

But you have struggled on. No one will ever match you and my brother for sheer strength in facing your nightmare with dignity and telling everyone else it will be okay.

But it isn't okay. Because your cancer is terminal. Three years of fighting and hoping only to be told that it will get you in the end. I get angry when I read about 'brave cancer survivors' as if bravery can be enough to get you through this and those who succumb must in some way have been a little bit too weak. No one has ever been stronger than you in facing this and yet you will die from it.

All those broken dreams. All those nightmares faced. My mother seeing her son dealing with one of the worst things that life can throw and knowing that her grandsons face a terrible loss. My father, endlessly optimistic, having to accept that life is unfair and sometimes things don't work out. We've always been a lucky family - how did this happen? My brother, quiet and contained, shouldering it all and hoping beyond hope that you could hold on until a cure was found, now faced with a life alone raising two young boys. Two sisters, grieving for their family's nightmare, their brother's pain. My two nephews, living in the present as children can, but with a life ahead without their mother there to hold them and guide them.

And You. Your life and dreams cut short right before your eyes, faced with the awful knowledge that you won't grow old with your husband or see your boys grow into men or become a grandmother to their children. I'm a mother now too and I can hardly bear to think of the agony you must go through. To know that you won't be there to take them to school, to help with their homework, to soothe their nightmares, to hold their hands, to remind them to brush their teeth and clear their plates, to cuddle and kiss them and to tuck them in at night. Where do you find the strength to keep going when faced with that?

We may not be close like some sisters-in-law but that won't make it any easier to lose you.

March is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month. Please be aware.

Tech Kids

Is this okay, I ask myself?

My children are fast becoming computer addicts. Theo can already find his way around an iPhone and he's not yet 2. And as for Freyja. Well, she shows me what to do...

Balloon Animals

Made by my friend Paul. Delighted the kids.


(In case you are wondering, there is a rabbit, elephant, frog and cat/tiger)

Friday Fashion Finds

I have a love/hate view of NEXT. Loads of their children's clothes are of the type with cartoon fairies or cars and little slogans saying 'I'm a Princess' or 'Mummy's Monster', which personally I'm not so keen on.

But among all that they often have some real gems.

For girls, their tights are great and I headed there the other week as Freyja has grown out of her age 3-4s. I did a bit of a double take as I walked in. I wasn't so keen on the boys stuff, but the girls collection was great. Lots of animal print items and florals, which I love.

I got this denim ra-ra skirt which she has already worn to death:


Going to have to get another in a bigger size. Also got two brilliant tunics, one with a tiger face and one with zebra stripes. There were lots of things along these lines so I had to resist buying too much of the same.

Then I went on the website when I came home, and spotted these gorgeous bow tops:

Bottoms!

Freyja likes to choose which knickers she will wear each day. Today as she rummaged through, she was having trouble deciding:

"They are all so pretty I don't know which one to choose. But I only have one bottom so I have to choose just one. What I need is more bottoms!"

A girl who wishes she had more than one bottom. Let's hope she always feels this way about it!

Friday Fashion Finds

I am shamelessly stealing taking inspiration from Mummy Bear at She Was Not At All Domestic's Friday Fashion Fix and introducing my 'Friday Fashion Finds'.

I have an on-going love affair with children's clothes. I like nothing more than rummaging through the rails in TK Maxx or having a quick whizz round the aisles in Sainsburys (surprisingly good). My husband despairs, but I've long ago come to terms with spending money on something that ends up covered in tomato sauce.

I tend to buy in bigger sizes and store them in a chest I have upstairs which I periodically go through to get out the things they have now grown into - usually to find that I've bought far too many hoodie's for Theo or that Freyja now owns 4 near idential tops.

Anyway, recently I was having one of my sort outs and while I was going through everything I remembered Mummy Bear's Friday Fashion Fix, where she posts about gorgeous items of kid's clothing she has bought or seen. And I thought to myself, now there's an idea...

It was hard to decide where to start, so I've just gone for my most recent TK Maxx purchase - two gorgeous Freoli T-shirt's for Theo.

Just love that green!

Second Pregnancy Jitters, Re-visited

One of Sleep is for the Weak's writing prompts is 'What were you doing this time last year' and it was suggested that you could put up a post from a year ago. I liked that idea but it turns out that last February, I wasn't up to much at all.

So I went back further, to 2008, and it turns out that February two years ago was when I was having a major wobble about being pregnant again. And given that I was 7 months pregnant at the time, it was rather alarming.

Here is the post I wrote then.

I read it now and it seems so amazing to me that I felt like that. I can't believe I ever thought that having my second child would be a betrayal to my first. Watching both my children together, being with them, whether it is both of them together or just one at a time, is what I love. When Theo runs in to show Freyja something, calling her name or when Freyja asks to climb into Theo's cot and 'read' books to him in the morning and tells me that she loves her brother, my heart melts.

At the time when I had my wobble, my best friend's mum emailed me after reading my post. Among other things she told me to 'remember to look forward to all the good times you have to come when you watch your two children playing (and more than likely falling out) together'. It seems like nothing, doesn't it? Watching your children play together. But it is proving to be one of the best feelings in the world. And all the more for knowing that when they do fall out, they come together again, as only siblings can.

But two years ago I didn't know any of that. All I knew was that things were going to change irretrievably and I didn't like the idea of it one bit.

What did I think was going to happen to my relationship with Freyja? I don't know, but whatever it was seemed horrible at the time. I was scared something fundamental would change between us and I wouldn't be able to get back to where we were.

Well things did change. And actually I can no longer really remember what life was like with just one child. And I do think my relationship with Freyja is different - something that would have completely horrified me before Theo's arrival.

But it has changed for the better. My relationship with my children feels more complex, more multi-dimensional, often more exasperating and maddening but also more honest and real. It's true that Freyja is off her pedestal. But now both my children stand together.

How could I have thought it might not be that way?

(Un)happy Valentine

Following the lead of many who have written about not-so-romantic Valentine's days, here's why we're having a quiet one:

Some time ago my husband managed to achieve that goal which I'm sure many men strive for - he convinced me, truely and absolutely, that we shouldn't celebrate Valentine's day.

It wasn't just on a whim. We'd had two pretty poor experiences - one involving our table booking being cancelled because we were going to be 15 minutes late, even though we called to let them know. And the other involving being seated at a table so uncomfortably close to the couple next to us that we may as well have been double dating.

So Adrian, who actually can't stand any of this sort of thing - it's pushing it each year just to get him to celebrate Christmas - convinced me that he didn't need one day to show me he loved me. To be fair, he's pretty good all year round at surprising me with little things he knows I like. Chocolate buttons from Hotel Chocolat, a bunch of lilies or tulips, tiny knickers....that sort of thing! I know that he would celebrate it if he thought I wanted to, and he always checks each year that I'm okay with us not doing anything to mark the occasion.

But I really am okay with it. Valentine's day was ruined for me anyway due to one awfully humilating experience when I was 8 years old that has stayed with me ever since. It was so cringe-worthy I can hardly bring myself to write this, 25 years later. It involved a boy I really, really liked, a painstakingly crafted Valentine's day card (I'd used my mum's eye shadow to colour it in) hidden in his school drawer, him finding out that it was from me and then giving it back to me in front of the entire class!

I still want to curl up and die when I think about it. When the time comes, I will never underestimate my kids childhood crushes and the agony they may bring!

Happy Valentine's Day!

(I missed this one, but for more Valentine's stories, head over to the The Valentines Carnival at The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.)

Just in case

I recently read this post about storing baby clothes. This is a subject close to my heart. I could dress a small country with the amount of clothing I have in the loft 'just in case'.

I have a bit of a weakness for kids fashion, as does my mother. Freyja is also my mum's only granddaughter, out of four grandchildren. So she has a lot of clothes. Before having Theo I used the excuse that I was keeping everything incase we had another girl. Bags and bags and bags of stuff. We had a boy. I've still got it all though.

The loft is now packed with bags and bags and bags of girls and boys clothes. I can't quite bring myself to get rid of it yet.

I don't keep everything. I only keep the useful stuff (vests/sleepsuits) and the things I really like. Problem is that I really like most of my children's clothes. I tell myself I will ebay it eventually and if I ever do it will probably keep Adrian and I going for a year with the amount of stuff up there.

A few months ago I bought these nice bags from JoJo Maman Bebe and sorted everything out. I made a (very small) pile of things to give to charity and packed all the rest away again so that they are now at least neatly stacked in pretty bags.

I made a little pile of things I'd like to keep forever. Just enough to put in a box for each child - a tiny newborn vest each, their first sleepsuit (okay, I cheated and chose each a pretty one rather than the first actual one they ever wore - which in Freyja's case was a gigantic white one and in Theo's case was too small and the poppers wouldn't do up), their first proper shoes, first birthday outfit and one or two other things that I think are really 'them'.

When I was little I had a teddy bear called Amanda who I used as my 'baby', in much the same way a doll would be. She was big enough to fit real newborn baby clothes and my mum gave me a few things that had been mine and my sisters for her to wear. Recently I found those clothes in a cupboard at my mum's house. They took on a whole new significance, now that I have children, seeing those tiny, tiny dresses and knowing that my sister, and in some cases myself, used to wear them. So I don't want to get rid of everything. And I'd be happy for Freyja to use some of her old clothes for own dolls.

But keepsake boxes and dressing up aside, I know I can't keep it all forever and I am going to have to tackle the loft. But it seems very final and I'm not quite ready to say goodbye to this part of my life just yet.

Have you tidied your room?

What happens whenever I let my 4 year old play in her room with her friends:

My First Award!

The lovely Young Mummy at Young & Younger has given my first ever award - I am ridculously excited about it!

But before I get too carried away, it seems there are some things I should do to accept this award:

•Put the Logo on your sidebar, or within a post.
•Pass the award onto 12 Bloggers.
•Link the nominees within your post.
•Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
•Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

I feel slightly overwhelmed at having to nominate 12 bloggers and I'm sure many of these will have already received this award before. But here are the blogs I'd like to send a little ray of sunshine to:

Whoopee
SylkeWeb
Baby Baby
Babyrambles
BabyGenie
The Heartful Blogger
She Was Not At All Domestic
Make do Mum
Battling On
Muddling Along Mummy
Sleep is for the Weak
Mummy Mania

Is this really happening?!

This is my entry for the latest Mummy Bloggers Carnival, which is on your top 10 most surreal mummy moments:

1. While pregnant with Freyja I felt sick for the first 3/4 months - during this time I went on a long weekend to Bruges and I organised my best friend's hen night. To this day, I cannot think of either of those two events without a wave a nausea.

2. Boobs like cannon balls as my milk came in. Wasn't expecting that.

3. Taking Freyja out on New Year's Eve to visit some friends, when she was only 3 days old, and finding that I was too scared to cross the road with her. I had to ask my husband to take over the pram.

4. Discovering that one of the mums through my post-natal group, who is now one of my closest friends, knew many of the same people I do and has been out clubbing to the night run by some of my friends, where I practically lived for the first few years I was in London.

5. Baby Bounce and Rhyme at Lewisham Libary. The best Bounce & Rhyme I've been to. Run by 2 men who would get so into it they would be sweating by the end. We used to sing songs about being eaten by Boa Constrictors and I'm sure there was one about a rabbit and a shotgun. It was just brilliant. I haven't been since Freyja was a baby but hope they are still bouncing and rhyming away.

6. My waters breaking before going into labour with Theo. I was asleep in bed, woke up suddenly and just knew it was going to happen. I jumped out of bed just in time. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that once your waters break, it just keeps on coming! No one ever tells you this stuff! With Freyja I was already in hospital and well on my way when my waters broke, so this was a new experience.

7. Calling my mum to tell her I had a boy and her replying 'Great! Freyja has chicken pox'. Gah.

8. Theo's mimicking. He will repeat most things that you ask him to. Not so strange now he is 22 months but slightly odd as an 8 month old when this little talent started emerging. He would shout 'errow!' (hello) at everyone and people would literally do a double take and say 'that baby just said hello to me'.

9. Meeting up with my friends - who I used to spend entire lost weekends with, dancing, clubbing, shots of cider in the bathroom (yes, really - anything's game when you haven't slept for 32 hours), singing 'Eternal Flame' as if we really believed we were The Bangles.... Now we watch our children play together. How did that happen?

10. The fact that somehow, this is where I am in my life. It seems only yesterday that I was doing homework and trying to convince my parents to let me go out on a school night. And now I'm married with two children and all the wonderfulness (and reponsibility...) that it brings.

Cupcakes

I discovered Lola's Kitchen in Metro yesterday on my way to work. I then spent a lot of the day just looking at all the beautiful cakes and trying to decide what excuse I had for ordering some.

The next birthday we have coming up in our household is Theo's in April. Fortunately, Lola's Kitchen is not just for girls:


And if you have a very special occasion coming up, check out their giant cupcakes:













Wow.

(Update: Hang on a minute here. I have just seen that it will cost £40 to get these delivered to me! £40!!! Maybe people in Catford aren't supposed to eat posh cupcakes..!!)

Natural History Museum

We took the kids to the Natural History Museum today which was a lovely day out and one which we will definitely repeat. Though I do think my children are still a little too young for it. They did enjoy it but they probably got more out of our visit to the Science Museum a few months ago, which has two interactive sections, one aimed at under 5s and one called Launch Pad, which Freyja in particular went mad for.

However, the Natural History Museum, which personally I prefer, was still really good for them. The dinosaur section has completely changed since I last went and both kids really enjoyed that bit - particularly the couple of models of moving dinosaurs and the fantastic 'live' T-Rex who looks you right in the eye as you walk past his enclosure - it really is quite unnerving!

We did the museum in two parts - dinosaurs, mammals and the body in the morning, followed by lunch at Giraffe (which look a little longer to walk to than we expected, but we were rewarded with the bizarre sight of High Street Kensington packed out with New Zealanders celebrating their National Day, all decked out in fancy dress). We then returned to the museum to do the insects, birds, earth and volcanos before heading home.

Afterwards I asked Freyja what had been her favourite thing out of the whole day. We'd seen dinosaurs, a polar bear, a peacock displaying its tail and beautiful butterflies. We'd travelled through the centre of the earth and witnessed erupting volcanos. We'd even walked past a gang of grown men dressed as smurfs.

And the best thing according to Freyja? The shop.

My child, the consumer. Gah.

Theo likes trains

Dressed for breakfast

Leotard, tutu, dressing gown, sunglasses. Well, what do you wear for breakfast....?

Dear Dog Owner...

Part of owning a dog is the responsibility that comes with it, and that responsibility includes cleaning up after it. As unpleasant as you may find it to scoop that poop, believe me it is far more unpleasant to be the unfortunate person who stands in your dog's shit. And even more unpleasant when that person is a 4 year old, wearing her brand new Kickers, whose immediate reaction is to burst into tears and lift up those new Kickers with her hands to have a look at the mess.

The streets of South East London are littered with it. I really do wonder how so many people around here seem to be totally unaware of their responsibility to other both people and to the place they live in. In what way do you think it is okay to let your dog shit all over the pavement that everyone else has to use and just leave it there?

Perhaps the issue is that you are just too stupid to understand how it works. In that case, let me talk you through it. Your dog poos. You pick it up using a bag - one which you have taken out with you because, you know, you own a dog. You put the bag in a bin. There are usually quite a few around. Some parks even provide bins solely for this purpose, imagine that!

Sadly, I suspect the real issue is that you just don't care about either your neighbourhood or other people. You probably even think it must someone else's responsibility. But actually it is yours.

If you can't be bothered to clean up your dog's mess, you shouldn't have a dog.

Together

One of the delights of having two children is not only the fact that I can tell them to go and play together when I'm busy, but also just how wonderful it is when they are playing together and to watch their developing relationship. Seeing them being affectionate or laughing or playing or even just sitting with each other makes my heart swell. It's like my feelings for each of them get bundled together into one great big bubble of love.

Of course, they fight like cats and dogs much of the time. Freyja can be an introverted soul, enjoying her 'me-time', while Theo just likes to throw himself into it all and get involved. Freyja is sensitive and bossy, Theo cheeky and defiant, not always a happy combination. Theo wants to do everything that Freyja does, which is not always well received. And they'll do their utmost to be the one who is being thrown in the air by daddy or tickled by mummy.

But when they do play together, they seem to relish each other's company at a level beyond any of their other friendships. They get quite rowdy, fighting and tickling and chasing. They can make each other laugh and laugh. And increasingly they share hugs and kisses as well as games and laughter.

To anyone else, they probably have an indifferent relationship or one where Theo annoys Freyja and Freyja shouts at Theo and tells him to leave her alone. But to me, privy to their moments of hilarity and abandon, as well as those quiet times when Freyja climbs into Theo's cot in the morning and reads with him, it is something special.

Freyja is also very protective of her brother. While she will quite happily tell him to go away and leave her alone, if someone jokes that they are going to take him home with them, she's straight on the defensive, shouting 'no, you can't have my brother'. And when I use the old 'okay we are just going without you' trick on Theo, it's Freyja who throws the wobbly, tearfully sobbing to me 'you can't leave Theo, I love my brother'.

Whether their bond will last who knows? But it is one of my real hopes that my children will remain close friends throughout their lives. For now, I love that they have each other, a little buddy to play with, to eat with, to sit quietly with or to chase manically around house.

Molo Kids

I have only ever bought one thing by Molo - a football print T-shirt for Theo - because they are quite expensive. But they are lovely - along the same lines as the Auntie Ollie clothes I mentioned in a previous post.

I just love the realistic prints and the bright colours. Little Sunflowers stocks a really good range and the girl's daisy print and butterfly print they currently have in stock are just beautiful.


I've put up pictures of a dress and skirt but you can also get tops, leggings and romper suits in the same prints.

Gorgeous!

Happy Ever After

One of Freyja's current favourite bedtime stories at the moment is one about a little girl who rides on her toy unicorn to find out what makes people 'happy ever after'.



We read it tonight and afterwards I asked Freyja what would make her happy ever after. Without hesitation, she replied:

'Pizzas and pancakes, some nice smelling flowers, a beautiful handbag, ballet lessons and some pretty dresses'.

Okay.

She then asked me what would make me happy ever after. I told her that I'm happy when she and Theo and Daddy are happy.

'Anything else?' she asked

'Well, just being with you and Theo and Daddy'

She looked at me for a while, then said 'and some peace and quiet...?'

Oops...

So my No Added Sugar parcel arrived. I opened it up, and inside, as well as Theo's lovely new green T-shirt and a present that I had bought for a friend's baby girl, was this:

and this:
Oops. I don't really remember buying them.

Yikes.

What's It All About?

I started writing my blog a few months after my daughter was born. I backdated a few months based on my memories but it has pretty much documented my life since Freyja arrived, gave everything a good shake and sent me off down the path of motherhood and all that brings with it.

I write my blog for me. A few people I know read it, and a couple of others I don't know read it. But, ultimately, it's for me. It's my outlet, it's my diary. I love reading back on old posts, seeing what Freyja and Theo were up to a year ago. I try and make it look a bit pretty and put up my favourite pictures of my children, and photos of clothes and toys that I like. I try to relate the majority of my posts to motherhood - not because that is all I am about, but because that is the theme of my blog.

In October I found out that I was listed on the 100 best UK parenting blogs. I hadn't really taken much of a part in the blogging community up to that point, so I was pretty amazed to see me there, languishing at number 99, but there none-the-less. It opened up a whole new blogging world that up to that point I'd only be dimly aware of.

Since October I have dipped a tentative toe into the blogging community. It's been rewarding and, on occasion, slightly alarming, but mostly it has connected me to other bloggers, helped me improve my own blog and made me think about what I want my blog to be.

I've taken a more active part in commenting on other blogs. I've contemplated whether I should put myself forward for reviewing products. I've stressed about the fact that I'm not 'a writer', like so many bloggers seem to be. I've worried that most of my posts were actually quite boring to anyone but me. I've worried that I can't write well enough. I've worried about the subjects I choose.

And then I've come full circle and remembered that I blog for myself.

My blog should be whatever I want it to be and nothing else. I've now read so many blogs which are all different and all fabulous in their own way. I've discovered so many that, having resisted for ages, I've finally asked my husband to show me how to use Google Reader, which he gleefully has done. I haven't joined Twitter though. Yet...

I absolutely love reading everyone else's fantastic blogs and getting inspiration for my own and my list of must reads is growing daily. I used to find that sometimes I struggled to write posts that weren't just a record of what happened that day, but reading other blogs has given me so much inspiration that I always have half a dozen unpublished posts that I'll probably never get round to putting up.

I'm really glad that I decided to branch out and join in (even if it's only on the fringes) - it's been enriching in many ways, not least in making my blog that little bit better. So I'll keep that toe dipped in.

But I'll also remember that, ultimately, I write my blog to remind me of these times. And because I enjoy writing it.

I write it for me.

I love H&M

Theo in his uber-cool tiger print 'T' fom H&M:

Three Voices

These are the voices I can't get out of my head (and just to clarify, for anyone who knows me, these are the voices in my head, not Adrian's....)

Voice 1: It's time to start thinking about the 3rd child. You always said you'd have 3 children and Theo's nearly 2 now and you don't want too big a gap between them. Time to start planning...

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 1: But if you quit your job, you won't be able to buy No Added Sugar T-shirts and go out for lunch on a whim. And you will not get any maternity pay and will struggle to pay your childcare costs when you go back to university.

Voice 3: Ah yes, university. Change of career, a full time student again for 2 years, not earning any money the whole time. Doing something for yourself. Do-able with 2 children. How about with 3?

Voice 1: Okay, but what will you look back at and regret? Waiting a few more years to re-train or not having another child?

Voice 3: You might regret the 3rd child you know. Don't forget how it feels when Theo refuses to get in his car seat so you are late leaving for work. Or when Freyja whines and whines and whines until you snap and then feel terrible.

Voice 1: I don't think you would ever regret a child. Think about how they make you laugh. How Theo's face lights up when he sees you in the morning. How Freyja tells you you are her best friend. How your arms ache a little at the end of each working day because you want to get home and cuddle them.

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 3: Think about the practicalities. More cost, more time, more stress, not enough attention to go around, less for each child. The sleepless nights. Remember the nights...

Voice 1: But you always wanted 3 children. Your family doesn't feel quite complete. And these kids certainly don't need more stuff.

Voice 3: Well, you'll be able to re-train sooner and it will be less stressful with only two children, both financially and practically. How are you going to afford full time child care for a baby while you study? Will you even want to study full time with a young baby?

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Voice 3: Actually, you know, you could quit your job now if you don't have any more children....

Voice 1: But something will always be missing...

Voice 3: Things are just getting easier now. You can leave the kids with the grandparents. You have a spare bedroom! Think about how they drive you mad sometimes...

Voice 1: But....

Voice 2: Quit your job! Quit your job!

Where will I be at the end of this year? Which voice will shout loudest?

Written for Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop No 11

No Added Sugar

Just been on the No Added Sugar website and they have a really good sale on their long sleeved T-shirts. I had already bought Freyja two of their tops from the ASOS sale:

And have now bought one for Theo too:

When I do this sort of thing - impulse buy more clothes for my kids that they don't really need - I remind myself that because I do work those 2 days a week I can buy this stuff from time to time.

I Am Woman - through my rose tinted specs!

Well it's an obvious one, and I'm not sure I'd say it's something I'm 'guilty' of, just something I, and probably many other women, do - I definitely view the births of my children with rose coloured spectacles!

Freyja's in particular has taken on some kind of mystical quality in my mind, where I'm sure I wafted around the room in a floaty piece of chiffon, listening to tinkling music and then popped her out with barely a sigh. The reality, I well know, was me huffing around, totally starkers, in a room in Lewisham hospital, throwing up and crying.

It actually was a very easy, straightfoward birth and although I do know that of course it hurt like hell, I look back on it still and think - wow, I did that!

Part of the reason that Freyja's birth has been elevated to the status of 'perfect birth' in my mind is because Theo's didn't go quite as well. As far as births go, it was still pretty simple and trouble free but I know that I felt quite out of control, that the pain was intense and then there was the small matter of me thinking he wasn't actually alive when he came out...

But even his birth has been transformed into some kind of goddess like feat to my mind's eye. I may have felt on verge of panicking and I may have told myself that I was never, ever going to put myself through this again - and yet I look back on it and what I feel is elation.

The pain, the worry, the exhaustion - it's all gone. All I remember is feeling like the strongest woman alive.

Thank goodness for rose tinted spectacles. And hormones...

(written for Sleep is for the Weak's Writing Workshop No 10)

Breastfeeding

Muddling Along Mummy recently wrote this very honest post about breastfeeding. Of course, this got me thinking about my own experience of breastfeeding (I'd think of nothing to write about if I didn't read other blogs...)

I breastfed both of my children, exclusively, for a year. I am proud that I did it. But I do not count myself as part of the 'Breastapo' either. I think you do what is right for you, and if that is formula, then that is fine. I would not want to judge anyone who chose to use formula, for whatever reason they have.

Now, I do actually think 'breast is best' and, if it were my place to do so (which it isn't), I would encourage new mothers to at least give it a go. But, in my experience it isn't easy and if something has to give and if that something is breastfeeding then so be it. We beat ourselves up about so many things - if formula works for you then do it. I was formula fed. I am healthy, intelligent and I love my mum.

The first 2 weeks that I breastfed my daughter were complete agony. Every feed took about an hour and she needed feeding within an hour and I dreaded it every time. I would be crying at the thought of having to feed her. Once latched on it was bearable but that initial latch was excruciating, like razor blades. I would literally be in tears. My midwife kept checking the latch and saying it was fine. But getting that tiny little mouth to open wide enough to latch on like all the books said it should be done seemed practically impossible. One of my nipples ended up badly cut and I have been left with a scar that reminds me that things you eventually do with ease don't always come naturally and so you should never judge those who choose not to go there.

The midwife told me to pump on the cut side and just feed from the other side to give it time to heal. Eventually the pain of breastfeeding subsided but I still didn't do it with ease. I needed at least 5 pillows around me to prop the baby up. I don't think I have a body that fits naturally for breastfeeding - I am tall and small breasted. I had to hoist my daughter up to the height of my boobs to feed her, there was nothing relaxing about it. Any hopes I had of a routine were out the window, not only because of her constant feeding but also because I insisted on feeding her before I left the house because I was so terrified of having to do it in public and not being able to.

One kind mum I met recommended I go to Mothercare and feed in the breastfeeding room there as my first attempt at feeding out and about. Slowly, slowly I became better and eventually I could feed walking around, one arm propping her up. But if anyone had told me I would be able to do that in those first few weeks I would probably have laughed (and not in a nice way) in their face.

I carried on, and perhaps that's only because I was lucky that it took only around 2 weeks for the pain to subside. I just wanted to breastfeed. But I would not have blamed myself or anyone else for deciding not to do it - if that pain hadn't subsided I don't think I could have carried on. Feeding during that time was such an ordeal and something that I dreaded so it was certainly not the bonding moment to be treasured that you read about!

I carried on for a year because 6 months came around very quickly and I felt that I'd only just got the hang of it, so it seemed natural just to keep going.

I was prepared for it to be difficult with Theo as well, but luckily it wasn't. A bit of initial soreness but I slipped easily back into breastfeeding again, for which I am thankful, as I know that is not always the case. I breastfed Theo for a year, because I was able to and I had done the same with Freyja. It seemed right to do the same for both of them. But, again, if I had struggled with Theo I might not have applied this rule to myself.

The thing with breastfeeding is that you expect it to be the most natural thing in the world and for most people it just isn't. If there is one thing I remember from those crazy early days of motherhood it's that you need support, not someone beating you up for your decisions - so no one should judge anyone who is just trying to do their best.

And that is why, despite being a breast feeder, I'm not a member of the Breastapo either.

Bloggers for Haiti

I am joining in to raise awareness for the Bloggers for Haiti JustGiving page, through which you can donate to raise money for a shelterbox for those suffering in Haiti.

I found out about this through the blogs that I read. Hopefully reading this will lead to at least one more person donating.

It's done...

...I have submitted my application for primary schools for Freyja. I feel sick and relieved in equal measure.

Although I have put 4 choices down I am 99.9% sure that she will get a place in the one I have put as second choice. However, I would love her to get the one I put down as my first choice. But it's a little further away - we're talking a 10 minute as opposed to a 5 minute walk here, so there's not much in it, but in Lewisham, where schools are oversubscribed, that makes a big difference.

I'll know on the 21st April. My preschool honeymoon is drawing to a close.

My Favourite Photo

I've been waiting to be tagged in the favourite photo meme , but have decided to just tag myself as lots of people opened it up to everyone...

I've thought long and hard and gone over all the gorgeous photos of my children, of which there are many. But the one photo I truely love and would hate to lose is this one of my husband and me on our wedding day. Yes, it's a bit obvious and probably a little bit naff to chose a wedding picture. But it is (probably...) my favourite photo.


I hate all photographs of me and very rarely have my picture taken. I honestly can't stand seeing them and realising what I really look like. But I've yet to see a photo of a bride that looked bad, and luckily this extended to me on my wedding day.

This picture was taken as we left the church. I'm laughing as I've just noticed a couple across the road who have stopped to watch us and Adrian has looked over and started smiling. There are many pictures from my wedding day that I like, but this one is my favourite. I think it caputures a spontaneous moment of happiness, but in a formal setting, under the archway of the church.

A year later I was pregnant with Freyja, though I didn't yet know it...!

It would be wrong to put this photo up without crediting the wonderful photographer you took it. Alison Purvis-Gisbourne was just starting out when she photographed our wedding, but a quick search on Google shows her business is now booming.

I'd like to tag my husband...let's see what he comes up with!

Mini Boden II

Today, Freyja and I made a winter version of our Mini Boden masterpiece:



As you can see, I am no artist, but Adrian assures me that my crappy stick people lend the picture a certain charm...

I love doing the crafty stuff with Freyja. It alleviates the guilt somewhat about the amount of telly I let her watch.

Red Shoes

They say (at least somebody does, I'm sure) that every woman should own a pair of red shoes. Well I've just bought mine...

Everyone at my work received a little (tiny) Christmas bonus this year. I've never had one before and normally when I come into a bit of unexpected money I just say that it will go toward something I've already bought or something we've got coming up.

But not this time. I bought myself a pair of red patent Mulberry ballet pumps. OMG!



I don't normally do designer stuff for two reasons. First, there is plenty of good stuff on the high street. Second, I can't afford it. But I do have a slight weakness for Mulberry accessories and have a purse and a bag which I bought (or rather had bought for me, with only the slightest of hints required - thank you, hunni) on sale.

Then, I just happened to go onto their website the other day and just happened to have a peek at the sale items and just happened to see a pair of ballet pumps in my size on sale...

They arrived yesterday. In a beautiful Mulberry bag, in a lovely shoe box, wrapped in tissue paper. My first thought was that they looked too small for me but when I put them on not only did they fit perfectly but it was like slipping my foot into a soft, cushioned silky slipper. I've never actually even tried on a pair of designer shoes before so this was a real first for me. It was like walking on feathers (yes, I may be getting carried away here...)

So I am delighted with my little purchase. What's more, because I have treated myself to something that I will wear (ballet pumps rather than, say, a gorgeous pair of stilettos which I'll put on but never actually wear on account of feeling like a giantess in them) I may actually get my money's worth.

I wonder if it would be too much to get the black pair too, which they also happen to still have in my size...?

A new discovery - and a resolution

For Christmas, Freyja and Theo received these wonderful little items from my mum:













They are from Aunty Ollie, an Australian make and are right up my street. I do like a good print. I had a look and you can get them in the UK from a website called Charlie Barley.

They cost more than I would normally spend on clothes for my children but they are what I would like to dress my kids in if money were no object. I can't actually bring myself to buy expensive clothes knowing that they will spill things down them and grow out of them at an alarming rate (well Theo does anyway, Freyja seems to fit her clothes for years). But as a gratefully received gift from my mum - or if I find them on sale - these Aunty Ollie clothes are just want I like. And yes, yes, the kids like them too - which little girl wouldn't want to wear a dress covered in ice cream sundaes?

Generally I am a Sainsburys and H&M devotee when it comes to kids clothes. Both do cheap and not run-of-the-mill clothes and are particularly good for boys. I also tend to go a bit mad in the sales, especially at GAP and all those gorgeous Scandinavian brands (Katvig, Polarn O Pyret, Ej Sikke Lej). And the odd treat from No Added Sugar. And who can resist Monsoon? And the occasional bargain from TX Maxx. Oh, and ASOS now has Little ASOS....the list grows!

My mum buys a lot of my children's clothes for them. She is a demon sales shopper and always manages to get them good stuff. She also buys beautiful floral dresses for Freyja from market stalls and little boutique shops. I used to find them a bit old fashioned but have completely come round to them -on their own or teamed with a pair of bright tights, a T-shirt and a hoodie, they make the perfect, comfortable, easy to wear but pretty outfits all year round.

So, my kids do quite well for clothes. My problem, which extends to my own wardrobe, is that I have a tendancy to 'keep things for best', which actually means they never get worn. Especially with the kids, who just keep on growing. In fact, this particular dress Freyja has never worn, despite now being almost too big for it . I just kept getting it out this summer and deciding it was far too pretty to be worn to the park, or the cafe or to Sainsburys. (By the way, if you read that post, turns out she is not a tomboy).

So my resolution is to make sure these lovely clothes get worn - both my things and the children's.

Here is Freyja in her lovely Oilily dress which I found in TK Maxx:


Okay, so this was taken on her birthday, which is obviously a special occasion. But it's a start.

The Grin

I will never tire of asking Theo to smile:

If in doubt, do nothing

Adrian and I contemplated 2009 over a glass of bubbly last night and decided it had been good to us. For us it was a year where we didn't start a new job, didn't get married, didn't get pregnant, didn't have a baby, didn't buy a house....we just lived for a bit.

The latter part of the year for me was one where I contemplated my future and what best to do. I have gone over every option possible with where I want my family and my career to go. I've been quite distracted by it, not completely happy and anxious about making the right decision.

So I finally decided not to make a decision at all. I'm not going to change anything right now - I'm just going to live with what we've got and where we are for a little longer. I'm working two days a week now, also doing my voluntary placement at Kings College Hospital and am enjoying the days I have with my children.

So here's to doing nothing for a bit longer - Happy New Year.